Memory Files

It is almost summer  time. The chill in the air is enjoyable; it’s the kind that makes you want to go out and enjoy the red nose and numb ears for one last time since its probably the last winter rains that are pouring down. The raindrops trickle down my window sill, the soft breeze blows and sometimes bring a few raindrops which fall on my face, waking me up from my day dreams... I’m listening to the soft romantic song with earphones in my ears and volume totally up!

Its a nice feeling. The whole situation seems to takes you to all the good old days.

-The family days, when all the family members cuddle in one quilt with a packet of groundnuts in the centre, eating, chatting and laughing away... Or in a balcony with pakodas and cups of hot tea and coffee.    

-The school days when we couldn’t go out for games and our seniors used to come in our classes, make us stay quiet and punish us if we didn’t listen to them. And later, we doing the same when we were the senior most the responsibilities were put on our shoulders. 

-The trekking days when we used to sit inside our tents and we could hear the tip-tap drops falling on our tent . We would go on gossiping about every possible thing in the world. Discussing about all the ghost stories and getting scared to death at night and then switching on the torch and sleeping. Hahaha...!!    

-The college days when we always asked teachers not teach us because it was so beautiful and after the teacher used to agree after like a hundred pleads, run to to canteen and order hot coffee and maggi and nag about the fact that we should have been at the lake at this moment or maybe at kasauli.

-The mushy-mushy days when you and your bffs sat in a coffee shop, eating hot Chocolate Fantasy (yes I’m talking about Cafe Coffee Day), talking about almost everything... and nothing at times yet saying everything on mind.

I could go on and on with such beautiful memories... They were lying somewhere at the back of my mind. The rains just brought them back. And as they say, “We do not remember days; we remember moments.” Lets create more moments because life is indeed beautiful. VERY BEAUTIFUL!

Unspoken Desires!

Standing by the window with a broken heart,
You are so close to me being miles apart.


Oh I see you walking across the room, 
Coming and holding may hands in your hands.
You hug me, you caress me, you make me feel so special,
like the feeling the shores feel, when the waves kiss its sands.


You make me smile, With your own different style.


Your shining eyes like twinkling stars,
Makes me leave my worries very very far.


Your loving kiss, your warm embrace,
You make me go high in your own special ways.


Like a million water drops falling on a drought land,
Like a fairy moving its magic wand,
Like an infant holding your hand,
The feeling is just grand.


Hush!! It was just a dream...
I cry, I shout, I howl, I scream.
And I just stand there!
Hoping someday, someone might care...

I still live by the hope

You know that feeling? When you’re just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you’re tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay. But no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won’t be. But you’re still hoping. And you’re still wishing. And you’re still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes. You’re fighting.

Questions!!

Its funny how you think someone to be close to you, who claims to be your so called "good friend", turns out to be the one who always lets you down when least expected. And the funny thing is that you can't do anything about it.

Its going to be almost 4 years since i joined college. Its almost going to be 4 years since i made new friends. Its almost going to be 4 years since i entered the not-so-secure cruel world (since school life was so secure and safe a place!). And its almost the time to say goodbye. The feeling should be sad, hollow, empty and it is so many a times... But not always! Why? 

Is it because there are some people who still haven't been able to understand you in these past 3.5 years? Or is it that i had been a fool to trust them more than they  deserved? Or is it that they have a very high opinion of themselves? Or is it that they are fools enough to realise the importance of what they have, and that they should value it and not take it for granted???

Whatever be it, its just a feeling i never wanted to have at the end of my college tenure. But when has life went the way we want it to? Guess its all that people eventually fall in the slot where they are meant to be.

My search for Myself

Over the last couple of years I’ve been on this search. I often don’t know what it is I’m looking for. Sometimes it’s figuring what I’m doing, what I actually want, sometimes an escape to an unknown place where there is nobody i know and sometimes a sense of liberation.

It’s a feeling like there’s something incomplete in my life. Something constantly tugging at my mind to come looking for it. It’s like there is something hidden deep within the layers of my mind, my heart or my existence but I’m unable to dig it out of there. I'm simply unable to bring out what's inside me. I just cannot let out my feelings.

I try to comfort myself. I think… it’s just that time when you are trying to find yourself, you try to run away from what you actually are. You want to be what you always thought you would be one day. You try to run away from every reality. Well... thats what i do. And then I wonder, "how is running away from reality going to help me find myself???" Stupid me!!

It maybe social conditioning as well. In our highly consumer driven societies, we’re conditioned to always want more than we have. Maybe the same thing has morphed into this search for me.

Or maybe its some unfinished business from my past life.

The funny thing is that though I know what I'm looking for, sometimes I wish that I could just get to know, somehow, what it is that I’m looking for. It’s like a big surprise that I know is coming but I just cant wait for it and want to know what it is now. Is my whole life going to be like this? It’s a scary thought because of late I rarely find myself being happy.

Or who knows, maybe I’m just wierd this way.

And I wonder what will happen when I actually find that thing I’m searching for. Then what? Will I still be unhappy?

Am i like lost in my own thoughts? Am i making a fool of myself? Can i ever move on in life? Will i ever wear a real smile? Will i ever get over something i am trying to get over with? There are so many questions like these that make me go weak in my knees. And i have no answer to these. I think and i think and i think, and the reply i get is in the form of tears rolling down my cheeks.

They say the grass is greener on the other side. To that someone once said, "If you were to hop the fence, you'd only realize that it was greener where you came from." When will we understand that where we are right now, is exactly where we ought to be? That is, if we truly ''be'' who we say we are.

I think it all boils down to the eternal search of happiness...long lost happiness..